@WorstCassie

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

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@MiSsSnObBy

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

@jonnysun

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

@shatterpants

I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.

@KeetPotato

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

@MichaelTrying

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

@XplodingUnicorn

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

@aparnapkin

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

@difficultpatty

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.