Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
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just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!