Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

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I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon



job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them


I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.


[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”


All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”


My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.


if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.


Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.