ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
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if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
The French cow says MEUX…
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit