Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
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[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Me recordaron éste meme
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best