Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
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[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
This story is comedy gold 😂
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Delightful if true: booby trap.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!