me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
You Might Also Like
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.