How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
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Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Why would I want to quit smoking? Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.