@prufrockluvsong

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

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@blade_funner

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

@ObscureGent

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

@EliTerry

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

@Jarhead44

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

@HenpeckedHal

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

@causticbob

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied

@wickedsuga

Everyone needs that one friend that will promise to redraw your chalk outline to make you look skinnier.