Me watching any college movie:

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THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.


Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?


Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.


My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.


Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”


Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.


I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied


Everyone needs that one friend that will promise to redraw your chalk outline to make you look skinnier.