@prufrockluvsong

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

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@david8hughes

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

@miller_tm

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

@IndecisiveJones

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”J0hnnyBlaze”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3031129469/e6b90560ea56fb150f5a77fe8c7a14cc_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”336301334074638336″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”388″;s:5:”tweet”;s:137:”Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@KentWGraham

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

@ShawnIzadi

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

@MentalAbortions

Why would I want to quit smoking? Oh, to live longer. Why would I want to live longer?

@ericsshadow

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

@Lisa_Laughs_

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

@doublewenis

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.