Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
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Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
lol
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.