Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
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Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.