Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
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Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.