[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
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If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Not all heroes wear capes…
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine