[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

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Lost my job at the history museum for telling people “all this shit is fake” and “there’s no such place as Egypt”


If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.


Women remember something that happened five years ago. I can’t remember why I stood up.


My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played


Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it


Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.


When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals


Enter Password.
Reset Password
New Password can’t be old password.
sets computer on fire🔥


Roses are niggas. Violets are niggas. I’m Lil Wayne, And niggas ryhmes with niggas.


If there’s ever an apocalypse, you’ll recognize me because I’ll be the zombie wearing flip flops