Lost my job at the history museum for telling people “all this shit is fake” and “there’s no such place as Egypt”
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
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If you fall down in public the best thing to do is stay down, use your fingernails to dig your way to another country then start a new life.
Women remember something that happened five years ago. I can’t remember why I stood up.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.
Well played brother, well played
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
New Password can’t be old password.
sets computer on fire🔥
Roses are niggas. Violets are niggas. I’m Lil Wayne, And niggas ryhmes with niggas.
If there’s ever an apocalypse, you’ll recognize me because I’ll be the zombie wearing flip flops