Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Me: Your eyes
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
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Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn’t work here because people that are on fire can’t work.
I’m gonna live tweet my Game of Thrones experience tonight, you guys ready? Here we go:
I can’t afford HBO.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Buy the haunted house…
You’ll never be lonely.
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Will The Real Slim Shady please sit down
Will The Real Slim Shady put his left arm in
Will The Real Slim Shady shake it all about