Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
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*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Got him!
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.