ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
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⚠️ Important Reminder:
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
This will teach them to underestimate me
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.