Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
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Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can tweet angrily from the toilet for your country.
My wedding will be open casket.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
hello 911? yes do you think i’m pretty
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.