@ianpauldukes

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

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@rolldiggity

Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.

@shutupmikeginn

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

@the_gramble

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

@KelseyCook

Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can tweet angrily from the toilet for your country.

@DurtMcHurtt

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

@behindyourback

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

@_SingleBabyMama

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.