ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

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Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.


Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?


Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason


Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can tweet angrily from the toilet for your country.


People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.


11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything


My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.