Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
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Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.