ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
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I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.