Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

could’ve been anyone

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.