@KeetPotato

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

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@TheBoydP

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

@KateQFunny

Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

@TheCatWhisprer

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

@TheCatWhisprer

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

@Gooooats

That will be $6.34, and would you like to donate a dollar to the children’s hospital or do you prefer being judged by a Taco Bell employee?

@GrantTanaka

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

@JustMeTurtle

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

@LeviathanPride

Why did the US invade Iraq when Steven Seagal’s ponytail contains 85% of the worlds natural resources?

@EricaWhoToYou

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

@sixfootcandy

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.