me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

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[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”


Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.


I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.


I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.


That will be $6.34, and would you like to donate a dollar to the children’s hospital or do you prefer being judged by a Taco Bell employee?


wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids


I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.


Why did the US invade Iraq when Steven Seagal’s ponytail contains 85% of the worlds natural resources?


Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?


(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.