me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
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ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her: