“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
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Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Sticker placement is key.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.