“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
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I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”