me: we had a baby

friend: what was the weight?

me: about 9 months

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The Grammar Nazis burst in. “We know you’re harbouring Jews, Mrs Gies”
“There ain’t no Jews here!”
“Double negative! Search the attic, boys”


Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.


Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.


If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.


Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.


ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.


ME: Because I care.


[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position


I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now.


I’m 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot. On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.