@tweetsbyrocket

me: we had a baby

friend: what was the weight?

me: about 9 months

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@hrtbps

The Grammar Nazis burst in. “We know you’re harbouring Jews, Mrs Gies”
“There ain’t no Jews here!”
“Double negative! Search the attic, boys”

@Gupton68

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

@causticbob

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

@BriarSlyMadness

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

@John_M15

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?

ME: Because I care.

@MattTheBrand

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

@_steamy_mac

I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now.

@Tuna_Lover

I’m 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot. On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.