me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
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Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.