ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

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I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.


A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?


Fun DIY Project Even YOU Can Do
Step 1: Flip over empty wine bottle
Step 2: Use base as weapon



Dad: it’s considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.

Me: Yeah, I know. It’s why I’m facetiming him.


[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?


Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.


“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”


[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet


Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!


Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol