ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
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Thursday
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
HELP 😭
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
March 16
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?