My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
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Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Camping tip: No.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?