Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
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It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
San Francisco has too many rules