@Chhapiness

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

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@_Water_Baby

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

@dave_cactus

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

@AudreyPorne

hey ūüôā if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

@PastorMark

A hipster guy is one who kept his grandpa’s clothes but lost his grandpa’s work ethic.

@hoedeehoe

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

@FeelingEuphoric

[coffee shop]

BARISTA: may i help you?

GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water

@SkylarGarland

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

@autumnsays_

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say ‚ÄúMs. Luck got a salad in her water‚ÄĚ
*students erupt in laughter*