Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

me after i passed that state trooper

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.