@KentWGraham

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

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@Mikecanrant

Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.

@BoogTweets

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

@SortaBad

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

@UncleBob56

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

@amydillon

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

@Grommit56

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

@coolauntV

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

@rockymomax

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!

@clindsaysway

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.