me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
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MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.