ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
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The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
every. time.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something