my grandpa got bitten by a spider and he was really upset so i went to get some cream but before i could leave the room i heard him say “at this age i can’t handle the responsibility of being a spiderman”
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
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Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Angel: “I think we can all agree that 6 is enough.”
God (clearly upset about something else): “NO. GIVE SPIDERS 8 LEGS.”
Alexa, make out with the Roomba