@AndrewsNotFunny

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

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@_salt_n_lime

My husband told me to hurry up so naturally I took an extra 30 minutes to get ready.

@Gelatin_Cyborg

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

@TweetsByKaylee

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

@TylerLinkin

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

@Plurprincess_1

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

@livingnBoston

I remember a time when I was much younger and had an infinite supply of drugs and booze. Then some c**ksucker cut the umbilical cord.

@panmidwest

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired

@CornOnTheGoblin

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

@david8hughes

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

@WhatsHerFace33

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.