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@AndrewsNotFunny: ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
@Marcmywords2: Sometimes I'll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
@delusions_of: I'm like a Rubik's Cube. Seems fun at first but eventually you'll want to rip me apart.
@lisaxy424: If you're offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
@squirrel74wkgn: [in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
@ArfMeasures: Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I'll have a word with him
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?