@shashaintl

Me: We need to go.

11: Go without me.

7: Sometimes when parents go without their kids, they get arrested, and I can’t let that happen.

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@PoliUncorrect

Pharmacist: need any help?

Me: Yes, I’d like whatever Oprah was on when she gave each and every audience member a car

@SentenceReduced

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

@AimeeHelene1

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

@geowizzacist

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

@existential_d

[guy who’s about to invent the cauldron]

*holding a saucepan* i wish this was spooky

@ThaJawn

*buying a new phone* How many mega pickles does the camera have?

@YeahDrewisOn

Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn’t it a bit late to zombiefy yourself?

Her: What’s zombiefy?

Me: …Your hair looks great!

@_steamy_mac

I used to skateboard 15 hours a day and now I have to stop and rest half way through putting my socks on.

@motrboatr

Sure I’ll send you a shirtless selfie. Just let me work out for 6 months real quick.

@drinksmcgee

Top 3 ways to kill Werewolves:

3. Kill them in human form
2. Shoot them with a silver bullet
1. Feed them chocolate