Pharmacist: need any help?
Me: Yes, I’d like whatever Oprah was on when she gave each and every audience member a car
Me: We need to go.
11: Go without me.
7: Sometimes when parents go without their kids, they get arrested, and I can’t let that happen.
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[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
[guy who’s about to invent the cauldron]
*holding a saucepan* i wish this was spooky
*buying a new phone* How many mega pickles does the camera have?
Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn’t it a bit late to zombiefy yourself?
Her: What’s zombiefy?
Me: …Your hair looks great!
I used to skateboard 15 hours a day and now I have to stop and rest half way through putting my socks on.
Sure I’ll send you a shirtless selfie. Just let me work out for 6 months real quick.
Top 3 ways to kill Werewolves:
3. Kill them in human form
2. Shoot them with a silver bullet
1. Feed them chocolate