me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
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Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.