ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
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Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.