ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
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PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here