Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
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I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Wait a minute
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children