@JoParkerBear
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
@TweetPotato314
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
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@JoParkerBear
@marinhubka
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
@CerebralWreck
According to my FitBit, last week I burned 23 calories and my Ex’s house.
@iinkedZombie
Me: You have to be nice or Santa won’t deliver any toys this year.
5:
Me:
5: My brother lets me play with his.
@ibid78
DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location
HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I’ll be there in 80 days
@TheAlexP
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
@JustDontBugMe
M&M Customer service rep: How may I help you today?
Me: I’m just furious right now! I paid good money for a bag of M&M’s and all I got was this bag full of W’s! I want my money back!
Rep: Ma’am, please calm down. It’s ok. Just flip it upside down
Me: well this is embarrassing
@LostFelicia
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
@Mulva74
I feel sorry for people that haven’t found their true love. My sister is on her 5th.