@TweetPotato314

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

You Might Also Like

@goldengateblond

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

@Jake_Vig

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

@BoomBoomBetty

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

@jonnysun

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

@Tommytoughstuff

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

@Dr_awfulpants

[at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* ‘Your balance is: awful’

@so_amused

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

@StellaRtwot

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

@RorynotRoy

I respect how the Hamburglar was like, “Hey, I know I’m at rock bottom here, but I’m going to be professional about it and wear a tie.”