me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
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My circle of trust is a meatball
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave