me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

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HR: Do you know why I called you in here today?

Me: I have a boyfriend

HR: Ok, sorry to bother you


Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”


Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!


“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.


11: You know what would be really ironic?
Me: No, what?
11: If someone died in their…living room.

The Twitter is strong in this one.


You’re like a dressing room

You make me want to take my clothes off and try things


me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money


The fact that crocodile ate your enemy, does not make him your friend.


I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.