@TweetPotato314

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

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@JoParkerBear

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

@marinhubka

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

@CerebralWreck

According to my FitBit, last week I burned 23 calories and my Ex’s house.

@iinkedZombie

Me: You have to be nice or Santa won’t deliver any toys this year.

5:

Me:

5: My brother lets me play with his.

@ibid78

DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location
HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I’ll be there in 80 days

@TheAlexP

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

@JustDontBugMe

M&M Customer service rep: How may I help you today?

Me: I’m just furious right now! I paid good money for a bag of M&M’s and all I got was this bag full of W’s! I want my money back!

Rep: Ma’am, please calm down. It’s ok. Just flip it upside down

Me: well this is embarrassing

@LostFelicia

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

@Mulva74

I feel sorry for people that haven’t found their true love. My sister is on her 5th.