HR: Do you know why I called you in here today?
Me: I have a boyfriend
HR: Ok, sorry to bother you
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
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Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
11: You know what would be really ironic?
Me: No, what?
11: If someone died in their…living room.
The Twitter is strong in this one.
Wtf has just happened😳
You’re like a dressing room
You make me want to take my clothes off and try things
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
The fact that crocodile ate your enemy, does not make him your friend.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.