me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
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There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself