Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
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that lip filler tho
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”