Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
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I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I’m a real Renaissance Woman (riddled with plague)
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) played a major role in the scientific revolution even though he was such a poor boy and nobody loved him.
“You’re an idiot.”
-My wife, after frantically looking around after I scream the word “HAY!” while pointing at hay for the millionth time.
The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5’4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.