@rebrafsim

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

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@kerihw

Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.

@trumpetcake

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

@lisaxy424

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

@ericsshadow

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

@prufrockluvsong

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

@TheToddWilliams

Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) played a major role in the scientific revolution even though he was such a poor boy and nobody loved him.

@jergarl

“You’re an idiot.”

-My wife, after frantically looking around after I scream the word “HAY!” while pointing at hay for the millionth time.

@JUSTLisandra

The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5’4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.