Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
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just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Yep.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty