Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
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I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
A dead goose is called a ghoost
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
So the ex texted me
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made