@NoogsCorner

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

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@scot4bz

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

@Parkerlawyer

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

@ArfMeasures

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

@rose24_em

He whispered in my ear that he liked being called daddy.
I whispered back that I liked being called a cab.

@ItsDanSheehan

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

@internetluke

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

@pilau

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

@ClichedOut

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

@MrJamesCosgrove

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits