ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
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Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Baller is short for ballerina
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer