ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
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[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.