Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
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Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.