Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
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I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
#parenting
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly