me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*
sales clerk: can i help you?
me: how much for this disco poncho?

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My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways


Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though


WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie


A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.


Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.


The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky


On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity


These people act like they’ve never seen anyone collect change from the bottom of a fountain & stuff it in their bra to buy more liquor.


Body: so tired
Brain: canโ€™t sleep
Body: okay then, letโ€™s pee every 15 minutes


Twitter is like Gilligan’s Island. We have the skills to fix the boat and leave.

Instead we stay & learn how use coconuts a 1000 ways.