A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
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Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila