Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
You Might Also Like
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
wow
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE