Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
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Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Monday
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no