One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
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The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.