Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
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3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
just leave it at the foot of the bed
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”