ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
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ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number